Unasked, Unanswered
By Eleri McCleod
E-mail: elerimc@lycos.com
CONTENT LEVEL
: 13+
Spoilers: Solitudes, Divide and Conquer, Window of Opportunity.
Probably more, but these are the major ones.
Category: Romance, Drama
Summary: A late night visit brings surprising revelations.
Season: 4
Archive: SJD, GateWorld, FanFiction.net, Jackfic, Carterfic,
Status: Complete
Pairing: Sam/Jack
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of
Showtime / Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko
Productions. No copyright infringement is intended. No money is being
made. Not to be archived without permission.
Author's Notes: First and foremost, I have to thank Car Hop for her
beta duties. Every time I thought I was done, you found something
else. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Second, a big round of applause to all the folks who
helped me with
my little "name calling" problem. You
know who you are!
© May 2003, Eleri McCleod
=======================
A gentle knock pulled Sam Carter away from the muted glow of her
computer monitor. Glancing up from the screen, she sent a frown
toward the door, thought process completely interrupted by the soft
tap. Another quick glance, this one to her watch, told her just
how
long she'd been working. "You need to learn to take breaks,
Carter,"
she instructed herself aloud, pushing her chair away from the desk.
She headed for the door with one stray thought: Who could that be?
"Colonel?" Her commanding
officer's face was the last one she'd
expected to see at nine in the evening. It wasn't unusual for him
to
drop by if he knew she was on base, but never so late. "Good
evening, sir. Uh, what's up?"
"Got a minute?"
"Yeah, sure." She pulled the
door wide, waving him in. Jack O'Neill
looked ... nervous? No, she was reading that expression all wrong.
She could count on one hand the number of times she'd seen him
nervous. Concerned, yes. Angry, definitely yes. Nervous...
A
flutter slipped into her stomach, tugging her lips out of their
welcoming smile. "Colonel, what's wrong?"
"Wrong? No, nothing's wrong. Not really."
He had that broken speech thing that he used when something wasn't
going the way it was supposed to. "Sir, have a seat and just
spill
it, whatever 'it' is." Sam took her own advice and plopped
down on
one of the two chairs in her in-Mountain quarters. All SGC personnel
had designated living quarters within the SGC in case there wasn't
enough time between missions or they just didn't feel like heading
home. Or if they got confined to base, which happened
way too often
in her opinion. But as far as she knew, they weren't on lock-down
and no teams were due back in until after the weekend. So what was
Colonel O'Neill doing on the base this late on a Friday night? Once
again, the suspicion ran through her that the Mountain 'was' home to
the Colonel. He had a big, beautiful house up in the mountains with
views on all sides and practically the only time he was there was
when he was ordered away from the Mountain for one reason or another.
"Right. Spill.
My guts maybe," he mumbled, dragging a hand over his
face. His voice pulled her out of her thoughts, his obviously-not-
meant-to-be-heard sentiment forcing her to bite her lip to keep from
smiling. Damn the man. He always affected her like that.
But the urge to grin faded as he remained silent, staring past her
into the wall. A subtle tension coalesced between them,
uncomfortably familiar after the last week. It had been relatively
quiet for the SGC, giving her a lot of time to think. Too much, in
fact. Missions had gone as planned for every one of the teams
and
very little excitement had marked the end of their off-duty
rotation. The blessed and, almost, unprecedented absence of
excitement had given her too-active brain time to focus on things
personal instead of professional, things she tried her best not allow
out of their locked box.
The Colonel focused on her as she sat, as if he'd decided what he
wanted to say, but no words followed the attention. Yes, something
was definitely bothering him. Opening her mouth to ask once again
if
he was all right, he beat her to it. "Remember the whole Xanix
thing?"
"Za'tarc?" she automatically corrected him, the fluttering turning
into somersaults as that hideous day came into sharp focus in her
mind. Unbidden, she could see his chocolate eyes burning into her
with their intensity, could hear his voice tight with discomfort.
Quickly, she reined in her memories as they tried to flood over her.
She couldn't allow thoughts like those to surface. They had
to see
each other every day, had to work closely together. It just couldn't
be allowed. The strangle hold she had on her memories opened the
way
for another thought as the Colonel continued to stare at her from
across the room. Jack O'Neill screwed up names on purpose.
For all
her supposed intelligence, she'd never caught it before. She knew
he
remembered every detail, even the smallest, of that day. There was
no way he couldn't remember something as simple as the name the
Tok'ra had given the assassins. She'd always thought he just
couldn't be bothered to work at getting names correct. But that
small realization led to one she was ashamed of. She'd assumed,
as
had everyone else, that he was less intelligent for the lapses.
Someone who couldn't even remember the simplest of names couldn't be
someone to worry about, right? But she should have known better.
He'd learned Latin, for Heaven's sake. That wasn't a language for
an
idiot.
Unable to meet his eyes with those thoughts flying through her head,
she slowly rose to her feet again as he paced to the wall, his voice
strained and quiet. "Yeah, well, you remember that thing we
mentioned so we wouldn't have to mention it again?"
"Yes, sir." Oh, yes, she remembered
it. Sam's heart began pumping a
little harder against her ribs. She'd said those words for a reason
that day, in the hopes that their easy relationship wouldn't become
strained. But this last week and all the empty time surrounding
them
had proved her hopes to be in vain. Gradually, so gradually she
hadn't noticed until the other day at lunch in the commissary, a
distance had appeared between them. Sure, they'd been careful to
be
professional with each other over the past few months, especially
with the knowledge that Teal'c and Dr. Frasier had been present
during the 'unveiling.' But the emptiness of the last week had
focused on the strain of keeping everything 'normal.' Now Colonel
O'Neill was at his uneasy best, something she'd seen only a handful
of times. One of those times being with the Tok'ra device aimed
at
his head, ready to go through with an experimental procedure in the
hopes it would help her.
"And the time loop that Teal'c and I were stuck in?" he continued,
unaware of her inner dialogue. He didn't even pause in his pacing
to
acknowledge her nod. Another sign that all was
not well. "Well,
Daniel had asked me if I'd been tempted to do something crazy because
no one would remember."
"You never answered him." That day in the commissary,
he'd stared at
her with a tiny smile on his face. He'd looked so pleased with
himself, so much the kid who'd gotten away with something that she'd
wondered long and hard about what he could have done. But she'd
eventually given up her musings. They weren't doing her any good
and
he'd never said anything more about it. Maybe she was finally about
to find out why.
"No. No, I didn't."
Silence fell thickly around them. He's so serious, she noted, eyes
tracing his face. What had happened in those loops? Abruptly
he
strode to the door, flipping the lock with a decisive click. Her
mouth opened instantly to ask why he'd locked the door, but the words
never cleared her throat. She stood, frozen, as he quickly moved
back over to her, stopping only a foot away, close enough for her to
smell his oh-so-subtle and oh-so-Jack O'Neill scent. She scanned
his
face, worn from years of military life and losses, and found herself
unable to wish it any different. Each line made up the Jack O'Neill
she cared so much about. Without them he wouldn't be the same man.
She stared into the warm, chocolate eyes and didn't dare to imagine
what his next words would be.
Time stretched around them as she stared up at him. Samantha Carter
was tall. Taller than a lot of men she knew. Face to face
with the
Colonel now, close enough to feel the warmth of his body, she
realized she'd forgotten how much taller than she he was.
Unfortunately, it was just the perfect height difference, not so tall
she'd have to go on tiptoe, but just enough that she'd have to
stretch up to reach his lips or he'd have to bend down to meet hers.
Swiftly, she slammed the door on that line of thinking. That way
laid bitterness and a lot of 'what ifs.'
She had no idea how much time passed as they stared at one another,
each waiting for the other to move. Then Jack brought his hands
up,
not fast, not slow, and cupped her face gently. Breath froze in
her
throat as he leaned down, mouth gently meeting hers.
His lips were so much softer than they looked. Soft, warm and
sending sparks all throughout her body. It was a simple kiss, just
a
meeting of lips really, but it shook her, made her want more. Her
hands crept up to touch his waist, unsure whether it was to pull him
close or to push him away.
He leaned back slowly, their lips clinging for a moment. Sam could
only stare back into his eyes, stunned. Where had that come from?
Her hands were frozen on his waist, their touch light. Little
tingles shivered their way down her spine as he continued to return
her shocked gaze. A wry smile flitted over his face a split second
before he spoke. "That's what I did, Sam."
Blinking, she struggled to get thought flowing again. But before
she
could piece the thread of the conversation prior to that soul-
wrenchingly sweet kiss to its counterpart, he had backed away,
fingertips trailing over her cheek. By the time she figured out
what
he'd said, he was standing a safe fifteen feet away.
"I know that what I just did was wrong according to the military.
And I'll understand if you feel any action is necessary."
Sam could only stare at him. He was telling her he wouldn't get
mad
if she went to the General and filed a complaint against him. Her
shock was the only explanation she could give for letting his name
slip out. "Jack, I'd never do that. And how can I call
something
wrong when it felt so right?"
The Colonel's wry smile came back out, crinkling around his
eyes. "You know, I was hoping you'd be able to figure that
one out.
You're so much smarter than I am."
That pulled a laugh out of her. "You're not as simple as you
let on,
Colonel."
"How many years have we known each other?" His sigh floated
across
the room to her, the smile disappearing slowly. She stared at him,
surprised by the question. He knew exactly how long it had been
since they'd met. She'd meant her comment as a compliment.
Had he
taken it another way? "You can call me Jack."
It finally hit her how she'd addressed him. She'd told herself long
ago that the best way to keep her feelings from interfering with
their work was to always keep it professional. Deciding
to always
refer to him as the Colonel or Colonel O'Neill, even in her thoughts,
had allowed her to maintain some semblance of separation. She'd
held
to that decision too, only using his name once to give him comfort
when they'd both desperately needed it. But that gentle kiss was
rocking the foundations she had worked so hard to build. Still
fighting to settle the tingling from his touch, she tried to shift
the conversation away from names. "Why didn't you tell me you'd
kissed me during the loop?"
"I wasn't going to, tell you, I mean. It didn't seem to be
the right
time until now. Well, now's not really a good time either, but this
barely speaking to each other thing isn't going to fly any longer."
"Sir, I know it's been difficult, but won't this make it worse?"
"It couldn't have gotten much worse than where we are now, could
it?"
Sam found a smile crossing over her face. Colonel O'Neill always
had
had the ability to get to the heart of the matter quickly. "I've
missed you, sir."
His expression melted into seriousness before her eyes. He didn't
return her smile, only stared at her, eyes searching her features for
something she couldn't put a name to. "Jack," he said
quietly. "My
name is Jack."
"I know, sir," the smile faded slightly as she folded her arms
across
her stomach. She'd tried to avoid this, but again, Jack O'Neill
had
brought the conversation back to where he wanted it to be. "But
I
can't call you that. I have to keep you separate. Colonel
O'Neill
is my superior officer, my commander, and therefore unattainable.
Jack is the man I care far too much for. I can't be around you
everyday, can't work with you if I think of you as Jack. I'll slip
and start wanting more that I can't have. Can you understand that?"
"Unfortunately, Major, far too well."
A sheepish smile crept over
his face. "How do you think you got to be 'Carter'?"
"I thought that was to annoy me when I first joined the team."
"Yeah, well, that was just a bonus. You're far too pretty for
a
scientist, you know."
The compliment and its offhand delivery left her reeling once more.
Colonel O'Neill looked as if he couldn't believe he'd said that, his
mouth actually gaping. "Thank you, sir. I'll take that
as it was
meant."
"Good idea. And, uh, I should probably go." He backed
a step toward
the door, suddenly seeming to be anxious to get away from her. "Have
a good evening, Carter."
Sam watched him turn and stride quickly for the door. Once he was
out that portal, she knew he'd never bring it up again, any of it.
And she just had to know. "Where was it, Colonel?"
"I'm sorry?" His hand had been reaching for the door.
She knew her
question was all that pulled him halfway back around to face her.
"When you kissed me in the loop.
Where was it? Like now, in my
quarters?"
The Colonel leaned back against the door, arms crossing his
chest. "No. Actually, it was in the control room."
"What? You didn't!" Sam couldn't stop her voice
from rising.
Colonel O'Neill had backbone all right, as if she'd ever doubted.
"Yep. I sure did. I
typed up my resignation, changed into civvies,
climbed up to the control room and handed General Hammond the letter."
"I can't believe you did that. What if it had been the last
loop?
You'd have been in a little bit of trouble then, wouldn't you?"
"Yes, but the brilliance was in its simplicity." A pleased
grin
covered his face as he continued. "I waited until the last
minute of
the loop, literally."
"Sir, sometimes you really amaze me." She couldn't keep
the pride
out of her voice and stopped trying. This was going to be the last
time she'd get to let it out. Why shouldn't she take advantage of
it?
"I know the feeling." He turned once more to go, hand
pausing on the
knob. Sam watched as he seemed to battle with himself. Struggling
to find something else to say to keep him there, to not let this one
stolen moment go, she saw the instant he decided the same
thing. "You were very concerned actually. About the resignation,
I
mean."
"I would imagine I was a little shocked."
"Not as much as the rest of the control room."
Sam laughed, letting the sound fill her small room. "And I'll
bet
you made a production of it, didn't you?"
"I was only going to get one shot," he defended himself, shrugging
innocently. A small, mischievous smile played around his lips,
curling her stomach. "Why not make the most of it?"
"Yeah, I'll bet." Sam told her mouth to shut, to stop
the words from
falling out, to say good night. None of the above happened.
"So
what did you do? Just lay one on me?" It was morbid curiosity,
that's what it was. And it was going to get her just as hurt as
that
cat.
"No. Actually, I dipped you."
"Get out of here!"
"I did. It was fun." A small frown pulled at the
smile. "It wasn't
very long, though. The loop started again right in the middle of
it." Their eyes held, the distance between them melting away
to
nothing.
"That was rude of it, wasn't it?" She couldn't get her
voice above a
whisper. Hell, she could barely even keep track of the conversation
with his expression so open, so laid bare before her.
She didn't know who moved first, but suddenly they were inches away
from one another. His eyes traced her face, hand following, sending
a shivering thrill over her skin. This one moment was all they'd
be
allowed and they both knew it. They'd move on as if nothing had
happened, return to work on Monday and go through the Gate to P3D-
113. Sam wished she knew a way to stop time, to keep his feather-
light touch on her cheek for just a little longer. But time had
its
own agenda and she knew it, deep inside. But for this moment, he
was
hers. "So you dipped me, right, Jack?"
He seemed to give in at the sound of his name, sliding his arms
around her back to pull her into his body. "Actually, we were
already kissing by that time." Shivers ran down her back as
his
fingers slid up her neck and into her hair, supporting her head.
The
world shifted around her as he eased her over, arms secure around her.
"It's not fair that you're the only one who remembers, you know."
It
was a cheap trick and she knew it, but she wanted to have one warm
memory to carry her through all the long days ahead. Because she
wasn't quitting the SGC, she knew he wasn't, and there was no way
they were breaking up SG1. If a final kiss and his friendship were
all she was going to get, she'd take it.
He smiled down at her, eyes full of warmth. "You're right.
It's
not." Hand cradling her neck, he met her halfway, their lips
meeting
as if they'd been doing the same act for years. They clung to one
another, the sweetness of the embrace fading to a muted desperation
as they finally separated. Their breaths mingling as she held tight
to him, she could feel his struggle as his forehead rested against
hers. He didn't want this to end any more than she did. Slowly,
he
raised her back to her feet, arms slipping from her body. They
stood, heads touching, arms dangling for a long moment before Jack
took a careful step backwards, toward the door. Sam forced her eyes
open, dredging up a smile for him when all she wanted to do was fall
back into his arms. He nodded slightly, unable to return the
expression fully before striding quickly for the door. He was only
a
step away when her voice stopped him once again.
"Sir?" Waiting those
long seconds before he turned to face her was
almost harder than waiting for the
ship. Russet eyes met hers, emotion making them darker than normal.
Ten feet apart with only integrity between them.
"We're okay, right?"
"Yeah, Carter. We'll be okay."
Finally, he returned her smile,
easing the ache within her chest to a bearable level. He threw the
lock and pulled open the door. "Good night, Major."
"Good night, Colonel."
~fin~