Title-  Fragile Balance
Author- SelDear and Denise
E-mail - sky_diver119@yahoo.com , SelDear@bigpond.com
Category- AU, AA, Drama
Archive  Anywhere but please link to the page on my
own site. http://www.geocities.com/sky_diver119/
Season- 3
Spoilers - 100 Days, Shades of Gray
CONTENT LEVEL: 13+
Content Warning- Little language, violence, whumpage
Summary- What if..Jack didn't make it back in time
from Edora, who would the Asgard ask for help?

Fragile Balance
by
Seldear and Denise

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Disclaimer Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

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Message 60319 by MandieLeung on SamandJack

THE STORY BEHIND THE STORY: The inspiration for this story came from MandieLeung on the samandjack list nearly eighteen months ago. She wanted to see a 'Shades of Grey' story where Sam went in instead of Jack. I started writing, and in a reasonably short time (about 6 months) had the 'Shades of Grey' story mapped out and written.

And then I hit a snag. The story wasn't finished. And it stayed unfinished for another 10 months, while I went and worked on other projects.

During this time, I bounced ideas off Denise as I usually do. We mapped out the second half of the story, but I could never get into writing it. And then I pretty much decided that I wasn't going to write much more SG-1 fic, and she begged to be allowed to finish it. I'm glad I agreed to let her!

Oddly enough, in spite of three years of mailing and IM'ing back and forth, it's the first collaborative work between us.

Some of you may recognise the opening vignette of this story from the 'Women of Stargate' contest - it was then named 'Everything She Had' and finished after Sam resigns from the Air Force in Hammond's office.

Denise: I always have fun plotting with Sel. Both of us have learned the advantages to talking (or typing) out your ideas with someone else. And it helps so much more when that someone is massively demented and 'ebil'. When Sel told me that this story was probably going to just 'not end', I thought 'No, that can't happen. It's too cool of an idea to just die'. So I asked her for permission to finish it. And I almost succeeded. I got a lot of the latter part…then I handed it back to Sel for her to put it to bed.

All in all, and admitting that I'm far from objective, I think it's a nice, warped alternate universe. And I write it with mixed feelings. I love that she trusted me with it, I loved writing it, and I'm sad that it's probably going to be the only story we ever co-write.

My thanks to her for the idea and the trust in letting me play in her universe

Sometimes it was kinder to be cruel.

Sam Carter knew that. That was the meaning of 'discipline' after all.

And the Asgard trusted her. They trusted that she wasn't involved in the technology theft. They trusted that she could do this 'favour' for them. They trusted that she could carry this off.

If they'd gotten the Colonel back sooner, then maybe he would have been the one sitting in the locker room pondering what was about to be done.

"You realise, Major, that there can be no turning back. Are you sure you want to do this?"

The General had given her the choice. He could have ordered her, but he didn't.

Sam wasn't unaware of the compliment he paid her in presenting this mission as a request and not a command, and because he had asked instead of ordering, she had done it.

"Yes, sir. I'm sure." Sam didn't like it. But she'd been trained as a soldier: emotions had to come second to the mission at hand.

She met Hammond's steady, measuring gaze, feeling the squirm in her stomach. She didn't want to do this - she was a soldier, not an actress! But her wants came second to Earth's needs. And Earth needed the Asgard and the Tollan more than they needed Sam's sensibilities.

There wasn't even a guarantee that she'd get out of it alive. If things went pear-shaped on this mission, then she was as good as buried.

It wasn't a nice thought.

A worse thought was that the thin threads of trust between her and her team-mates might not survive. Over the last few months, her relationships with Teal'c and Daniel had been stretched to breaking-point, and come back to comfortable levels. Still, Sam was only too aware that just a little more pressure might snap some things that couldn't be fixed - especially since the Colonel had returned from Edora. And things were more fragile between her and the Colonel than they had ever been before.

Sam carefully steered away from that thought and the nausea that inevitably followed. Instead, she put her head in her hands and raked her fingers through her hair.

A week before the particle accelerator was finished, she'd been called into Hammond's office and the proposition was put before her. Initial attempts to cry off because of her work on the particle accelerator had been gently put aside.

"Major, you've done a mighty work in creating that particle accelerator, but the fact is that I've come under some pretty heavy criticism for allowing such a large portion of research and resources to be diverted towards getting back a man who may or may not be dead anyway."

"The Edorans-"

"Are easily relocated," he said. "That's the opinion of the strategists in the Pentagon, not my own, Major. This matter of the technology smuggling is urgent - we have less than a month to clear it up before the Asgard and the Tollan sever diplomatic ties - including the Protected Planets Treaty we signed eight months ago."

The General didn't need to tell her how important the Protected Planets Treaty was to Earth. Without it, it was only a matter of time before the Goa'uld came in to dominate or destroy Earth and her population.

So Sam Carter made a choice. It might condemn the Colonel to several more weeks off Earth, but better be late bringing him home than making a decision which might mean there wouldn't be a home for him to return to.

"How long do I have to finish the accelerator before the Tollan and the Asgard start putting pressure on us to do something?"

Hammond looked grim. "A week."

She'd done it in a week. Incredibly. Unbelievably.

Painfully.

The particle accelerator broke through the crust over the Stargate, the wormhole made it through to Edora, Teal'c reached the surface in time, they returned the Edoran refugees home and went to bring the Colonel home...

Only to find that he'd made Edora his home.

Now the nausea struck like a storm at sea, tossing her about in its throes. She swallowed hard and concentrated on making it go away. She couldn't afford personal emotions and distractions right now. She had a part to play and an audience to convince.

And what a tough audience.

Sam was desperately afraid that she wouldn't be able to do what it required, afraid she wouldn't be able to carry it off, and she desperately wanted the job to be handed to someone else. Except for the small problem that there was nobody else to do it.

Oh, the Colonel probably could have gone undercover, but the Asgard had asked for her help in his absence, and while they trusted that Colonel O'Neill wasn't involved, the less people who knew about this the better.

There had been concerns that she wouldn't be able to carry it off - among them, her own. She wasn't the loosest cannon in the SGC, after all, but once the Asgard and Tollan had fixed on her, they refused to hear of any alternatives.

Stubborn, headstrong aliens. No wonder they liked the Colonel.

With a deep sigh, Sam stood up and opened her locker to get her dress uniform out. Her misgivings about this were strong, but the longer she hesitated, the worse the fear would get and the more likely she would freeze when she needed to act.

The diplomatic mission to the Tollan was due to leave in two hours. It would be her second time in command of SG-1, so any nervousness on her part would be put down to that - or so she hoped. She wasn't all that fond of remembering the first time she'd commanded SG-1. Talking to tribal spirits? Letting aliens into the base? Planning to steal trinium from local tribes?

That mission had turned out badly.

And this one - well, she knew this one wasn't going to go down well.

Stealing from your friends never went down well.

General Hammond had said her actions would be attributed to the stress of the last three months. She'd withdrawn from Teal'c and Daniel since the General had assigned her to this mission, so she didn't need to worry too much about them cottoning on to her sudden, unusual behaviour. As far as she could tell, they'd assumed her behaviour was due to the completion of the particle accelerator and just let it pass by rather than confront it.

The trickiest bit would be convincing the people who only had her apparently perfect record by which to judge her behaviour.

She hung the uniform on the locker handle and stepped back, letting her fingers run over the heavy weave of the material. The guys would shortly arrive, Colonel O'Neill and Teal'c all sweaty after their morning sparring. They'd head directly for the showers, and she'd be left with a few precious minutes to change into her dress blues.

The Colonel wouldn't be going today. Officially, he was still being checked over from his three months on Edora. Unofficially, Hammond had made sure that Janet would keep him around today for more tests to ensure that Colonel O'Neill couldn't go to Tollana.

The Colonel's presence would wreck their carefully laid plans.

So Lieutenant Rumlow was temporarily assigned to SG-1 for this diplomatic mission to bring their numbers up to the standard four members for a Stargating team. The Lieutenant had been on SG-11 for nearly two years now, so he'd seen more than his fair share of diplomacy. He'd been working with Daniel to put together the presentation to the Tollan.

Daniel would be late, of course. He hadn't been sleeping well for a while now - even six months after her death, he was still dreaming - or having nightmares - about Sha're. He'd been the one to deal with the Edoran people and their relocation to another planet while Sam worked on the particle accelerator. He'd done his fair share of ideas-bouncing for her, moral support when Teal'c needed kel no reem and could no longer keep an eye on her as she worked herself into the ground. And he'd been the person she went to that first night after Colonel O'Neill came home, where she'd found that his sense of betrayal by the Colonel's low expectations was as strong as her own.

Her heart sunk. If she got through this alive...when she got through this alive, the Colonel would probably forgive her - or at least understand why she'd done it. Teal'c should. Those two might be a bit miffed, but they'd survive.

However, Daniel...

She put that thought away as she shut her locker door and heard the voices and footsteps down the corridor that indicated that her team-mates were approaching and her solitude was at an end. There was no point in fretting over the outcome of her actions today - she might not even make it through the whole charade.

Part of her hoped she wouldn't - at least then she wouldn't have to pick up the pieces afterwards.

Positive thoughts, Sam.

There was a knock at the door, "Carter?"

"Sir." Her voice was calm and cool, no tremors to betray her nervousness at the part she was about to play.

"Are you decent?"

"Yes, sir."

"We're coming in." A moment later, the Colonel's greying head stuck around the door. "Up bright and early and ready to hit your head against some thick Tollan skull, Carter?"

In spite of the roiling feelings in her stomach, Sam managed a smile. "Something like that, sir. How are you today, Teal'c?"

"I am well, Major Carter." Teal'c appreciated the formalities - even if the Colonel didn't usually observe them. "And yourself?"

"I'm good." Sam hoped her body language was consonant with her words. Between Teal'c and the Colonel - both of whom had years of experience training men and women and reading their body language - and Daniel, whose speciality in linguistics had led him to study the things people didn't say with their mouths, she could easily get caught on an iceberg she never saw coming until it was too late.

She hoped not. If she could fool them, she could fool anyone.

"Nervous about commanding again?"

Thank God for reasonable excuses. "A little, sir."

"Don't be. You'll do fine." He patted her on the shoulder, apparently unaware of how she stiffened under the well-intentioned touch of his hand. "Well, Teal'c and I are gonna shower before we stink up your dress blues, and we'll catch you in the briefing in thirty." He grabbed a towel and ducked into the stalls beyond, Teal'c following him with considerably less haste and more dignity.

Sam began unbuttoning her shirt.

Showtime.

----

It had been easier than she'd expected. And they were falling for it, hook, line and sinker.

Maybe she should have gone in for an acting career instead of the Air Force. Samantha Carter, actress - bratty officers a specialty.

"Major, do you realise exactly what kind of a situation you have placed us in?"

"Sir," she said with the forceful coolness she'd decided to adopt; close enough to her usual demeanour so it wasn't completely out of her ballpark, but changed enough to let them know that something had snapped. "I realise the situation. I also realise the kind of situation they've placed us in! We're nothing more than vassals to their technological superiority. Allies who aren't willing to share their knowledge with us or even give us the most basic of defence technologies."

"Your actions were out of order, Major!" The General wasn't half a bad actor himself - he was doing an excellent show of bewildered anger at the outrageous behaviour of one of his 'exemplary' officers.

"My actions were in line with the core mission of this base, sir. With all due respect, we are called upon to go through the gate and find technologies that will be useful in the defence of Earth against Goa'uld incursion."

"By stealing it from our friends?" Colonel O'Neill had been stiffly angry from the moment he'd realised that the technology she placed on the briefing table was not the peace offering between Tollan and Terran that he'd immediately assumed it was.

The looks he kept shooting her way indicated that he at least felt she'd taken leave of her senses. Sam didn't dare look at Teal'c or Daniel. Or at poor Lieutenant Rumlow, sitting bewildered and frozen in his chair.

She turned on the Colonel, "Sir, not one hour ago, we were wasting our time on the Tollan. They weren't going to give us the technology we wanted."

"That didn't give you leave to just take it, Carter!"

"No, sir. But I have, on occasion, been congratulated for my initiative." She let dry irony seep into her voice. Excuses were excuses when all was said and done.

"Not this time, Major." General Hammond told her. "You are relieved of your duties, effective immediately, and are to report to the infirmary until I send for you."

Her brows arched in deliberately mocking expression, "What? No base arrest?"

The alert started up for an incoming traveller a split-second later. The Tollan would be coming to Earth in their role of indignant victims at the theft Sam had committed.

Hammond glanced over at the red light flashing then back at her. "If you continue in this vein, Major, that will be next. Dismissed. Teal'c, please escort Major Carter to the infirmary."

The Colonel gave her a long look before he followed Hammond down the stairs. Daniel stood up from his chair, about to ask what was up with her, so Sam turned her back on him and walked away, refusing to engage him in conversation. She heard Teal'c's steady, measured footsteps behind her - could hear them behind her as she headed for the elevator.

His disapproval of her actions, though silent, stung.

It forced her silence all the way up to the infirmary, although once Janet walked out of her office, Sam knew she was facing what would probably be her toughest audience. The boys were more used to seeing Major Sam Carter, although they occasionally got to see 'just Sam'. Janet, however, had seen a lot more of Sam in the full array of her moods - not just as a military officer.

"I've been told to do a full set of tests on you," Janet said, eyeing her.

Sam shrugged. "Well, let's get it over with." She walked past Janet and hopped up on one of the beds.

Sam wasn't meant to catch Janet's bewildered glance at Teal'c, but she did. And Teal'c looked no less puzzled than the doctor.

They ran tests. Lots of tests. Janet asked when was the last time she'd had her period (a week ago) and when was the last time she had sex (too long ago). They ruled out PMT and pregnancy. Then there were blood tests and hormone tests, a CAT scan and a PET scan, an EEG and an MRI, and they took Sam's blood pressure.

It was a waste of Janet's time, although only Sam and General Hammond knew that. As Janet kept up a running commentary with Sam about things large and small, personal and work-related, Sam responded in her usual manner - but allowing herself a slightly looser rein. The only thing she had right now was a bad case of undercover agent nervousness. And there wasn't much that could take that away except the completion of her mission.

"Well, there's nothing wrong with you so far," Janet finished off as Sam swung her legs over the side of the infirmary bed. "It'll be a while before I get the hormone and blood tests back but...you're all fine."

Except for the sudden kleptomania, Sam thought dryly.

On cue, the infirmary phone rang and Janet went to answer it. "Fraiser. Yes, sir? Yes, she's here, I'll send her up." The phone was hung up, and a moment later Janet came back to the bedside. "General Hammond wants to see you in his office."

With a jaunty grin, Sam hopped off the bed. "Thanks, Janet. It's always a pleasure to have needles stuck into me." And she walked out, knowing that Janet was standing behind her with a surprised look on her face.

Teal'c faithfully shadowed her back down to the elevators, but didn't say anything until she'd pressed the button and was waiting for the lift. "I do not understand your behaviour, Major Carter."

She quirked a smile at him, "Oh, come on, Teal'c. Haven't you ever really wanted to cut loose before?" The elevator doors opened and she stepped in, her companion one step behind her. "Just to say what you really want to say and rules be damned?" There were moments when she'd wanted to scream, shout, cry, or laugh - and had been required to hold it under the mask of a good officer. Now, she had to behave as if she didn't care whether or not someone in authority perceived her as a good officer or not - all the while really caring that they would.

"I have not, Major Carter." Teal'c sounded, if not exactly distressed, then bewildered. Sam suspected that for him - as for her - the habits of self-control were so ingrained that 'letting loose' was more effort than being self-contained. Her behaviour would be incomprehensible to him until he knew the reasons why she'd behaved so oddly.

A shrug. Sam suspected she'd do a lot of nonchalant shrugging in the next couple of days. "Your loss, Teal'c."

The doors slid open at level 27. Sam strode out, heading for the Gate room and two corridors later found herself confronted by Daniel.

He put his hands up - partly to stop them from crashing into each other, partly to make sure that she didn't just walk by him. And she very nearly did. Today had been one confrontation after another with no respite - and the worst was yet to come.

He studied her through his glasses. "Sam, are you okay?"

"Sure, Daniel. Why wouldn't I be okay?"

Her question put him on the mark, forcing him to face what she'd done. "Well, your actions haven't exactly...it's not your usual behaviour."

"Daniel, you only ever see me when I'm on duty." Sam walked around him. "You don't know what my usual behaviour is." The dismissal was as abrupt as she could bear to make it - enough to sting him but hopefully not enough to really hurt him. She'd have to become adept at that in the next few days. And even more adept at making up in the weeks afterwards.

Assuming there were weeks afterwards.

It appeared the Tollan representatives were already gone - which was a relief. She didn't have to put on the act towards them for Teal'c's benefit. Even then, Sam wasn't sure that any such display would have been an act either. The position she was in was impossible: stuck between what Earth needed her to be and what she wanted to be.

Hammond had assured her that her actions during this mission would have no consequences on her career. Easy words to say before Sam did the irrevocable and said things for which there might be no forgiveness. The guys were stubborn. She'd find herself pressing every button to keep them away, severing all ties of respect and friendship to be sure their hands stayed clean - and that they stayed clear of what she had to do.

It was her only option.

She reminded herself of that as she strolled into Hammond's office to take her dressing down. There was no quailing under his stern gaze, nor under the Colonel's close and sharp scrutiny. And there would be no escaping this axe.

The door was surprisingly heavy to close - or maybe Sam's arms were suddenly weak. She closed it, though, shooting Teal'c a brilliant smile as he waited outside the door - a silent, solid guardian. Then, she sat down in the chair and regarded the General.

He came straight to the point. "Major Carter, you've crossed the line here. The Tollan have demanded the return of their technology and require that you are appropriately dealt with."

Sam interrupted, knowing what she was in for. They'd discussed this when the matter of her assignment first came up. What needed to happen, what would happen, and how it would happen. "By 'appropriately dealt with', are we talking the death sentence, sir, or merely a slap on the wrist, 'give it back'?" Light voice, easy tone, casual pose - she had it all down pat. At least, she hoped she didn't look like she was tense as a strung wire.

"We're talking about a court martial, Major. I have to press charges."

It took all her strength not to flinch from the words. Court martial. An officer's nightmare. Humiliation, separation from those you'd served with, black marks all over your record - and even if you were exonerated, at best they'd be scrubbed off to grey. If you faced court martial over anything, you were better off out of the armed forces since there would be very few who'd trust you again. Doubly so if you were a woman in the armed forces.

But they were waiting on her answer.

"Sir, you have your prerogatives and I have mine. You'll do what you have to as I did what I felt needed to be done." Her chin lifted and she met her gaze squarely. Indeed, she'd done what needed to be done - and hated every second of it.

The Colonel leaned forward in his chair, "Carter," he said. There was a sadness in his voice as he spoke and Sam kept her expression politely neutral as she turned to regard him. "There is another option other than court-martial. Discharge. Voluntary retirement. If you take it, then we hand back the tech, you resign and it's over."

Such final words.

Over.

Finished. Done with. Ended. Concluded.

Sam hated the Tollan and the Asgard more at that moment than she'd ever hated anyone or anything before in her life. Because this might be Earth's future, but it was her life - and they were asking her to give it up: not only all the work she'd done in the past but any hopes of a future.

Colonel O'Neill looked back at her with a very intent gaze, watching her, judging her - condemning her?

Sam transferred her gaze to the General. She met his gaze and saw that he understood the weight of the burden pressing down on her and all the hopes and dreams she would be giving up with this task.

She looked beyond him to the golden eagle, soaring on unfelt winds, representing the freedom that the USA and her armed forces strove to maintain.

Freedom and hope and a future, yes; but also responsibility and duty and sacrifice. You couldn't have the first without the second - and sometimes the individual desire had to be made subordinate to the greater good. Even the USA, as individualistic a society as it was, understood that in the requests it made of its armed forces.

"Major?"

She let a smile cross her face and a shrug lift her shoulders as she met General Hammond's eyes again. "I guess I'm taking a voluntary retirement, Uncle George." The childhood name seemed strange on her lips - and yet also fitting: a fond nickname and a familiar appellation. The personal in the midst of the impersonal, the uncertainty of a child in a strange and foreign place, and the silent fear of a soldier who knew how much rested on her shoulders and wasn't sure she could walk the path.

But she'd give it everything she had.

Because if she didn't give it everything she had, when the smoke cleared she wouldn't have anything at all.

----

Rob Makepeace caught up with Jack in the corridor, falling into step with a heavy tread.

"How's the search for a new 2IC going?"

The question was innocuous enough, but Jack still stiffened. "Slowly," he retorted.

"Can't find one to suit you?"

Jack stopped and turned on the other man, "And just what is that supposed to mean?"

Makepeace's expression was all astonishment. It might have even been real. "It's supposed to mean that finding a 2IC who you can trust isn't exactly the easiest task in the world. Jeeze, what did you think I meant, Jack?"

Jack didn't know what he meant. He turned away and kept walking. "Never mind."

The Marine kept pace with him, not bothering to ask if Jack even wanted his presence.

"Okaaaaay," Makepeace drawled, sounding as though he'd been taking lessons from Daniel in making un-comforting noises. "No idea what caused her to go like that?"

"None." Jack didn't want to discuss this. Not here, not now, and certainly not with Robert Makepeace. He'd rather not have to discuss it at all.

Unfortunately, Carter was out of the Air Force and there wasn't a force on heaven or on earth that could bring her back or turn back the clock by forty-eight hours.

"Just asking." Makepeace shrugged. "You going to be at the leaders meeting on Friday?"

"Do I get a choice?"

"You might be off-world."

"No 2IC."

"Then that's up to you, isn't it?" Makepeace walked on as Jack stopped at the elevators, jabbed at the button and swiped his card through the reader.

Then he stuck his hands in his pockets and didn't tap his toe on the ground.

Hammond was still throwing around ideas for a fourth member for SG-1 - another military officer, preferably one with a scientific background.

Jack didn't want another member for SG-1. He'd gotten so used to relying on Carter that turning around to find someone else guarding his six would just be...weird. And Carter was one of the best officers he'd ever had the honour to serve alongside.

The latest batch of replacements Hammond suggested (the first batch had been dismissed out of hand, and Jack suspected Hammond of re-entering some of the first batch into the second) included a vulcanologist, a chemist, two engineers, and a meteorologist.

No astrophysicists at all.

The situation sucked. Royally, supremely, and suckily.

At least Daniel was talking to him again, Jack thought. No cloud without a silver lining. Although, in spite of the pleasantness of not getting 'the Jackson cold shoulder' anymore, Jack would rather have skipped the cloud altogether - silver lining notwithstanding.

Carter had signed the papers in Hammond's office, saluted them both, and left.

Forty-eight hours later, her quarters were cleared out, her locker was empty, and her nameplate was gone. Her username and password had been revoked in the computer systems, the personal effects of her office taken away; she'd shaken the hands of the people she'd worked with, hugged Daniel and Teal'c and saluted Jack. And Jack still didn't quite believe that Carter was gone.

He still wasn't sure he knew what had happened.

He still wasn't sure he believed what had happened.

The technology sat on the briefing room table, incredibly complex stuff in an exceedingly simple-looking package.

Jack nearly crowed with triumph. After seven months of fruitless negotiations with the Tollan pomposities, Daniel had managed to persuade them to part with one of their thingamabobs.

He'd thought the Tollan would never be swayed, although Hammond had evidently differed in opinion. God only knew why. Hammond wasn't one of the fluffy-hearts brigade.

"So what is this device you've brought back, Major?"

"It's a device which disables weapons as the bearers pass by," Carter replied. "It worked on both our weapons and the Goa'uld weapons when Colonel O'Neill and Daniel were defending Ska'ara in the Triad."

"That should come in handy." Hammond said, a smile breaking out on his rubicund face. "Well done, Major, Doctor."

"Thank you, sir." She seemed serene, poised...brittle.

The brittleness hadn't registered until everything around them had shattered.

"So what did you promise them in return, Dr. Jackson?"

Daniel shifted in his chair, oddly unelated by the acquisition of technology. Jack would later realise that only Carter burned with the inner flame of triumph - the rest of SG-1 was cold, damp ash in comparison. "Nothing." He glanced at Sam from under his lashes. "We didn't have to promise them anything, General."

"They gave us the device as a reward for saving them from the Goa'uld?"

Daniel pushed his glasses up, "Actually, they refused to give us any technology at all."

"Well, I'm confused. How did you get the device, Dr. Jackson?"

Jack was watching Carter's face, suddenly remembering an old saw about never really knowing a woman at all.

He didn't need her confirmation that she'd taken the device in the end. He realised it before the outraged disbelief seeped into Hammond's voice and demeanour, before Lieutenant Rumlow blurted out the situation, before her calm voice confirmed that she'd taken by force what the Tollan had been unwilling to render them in diplomatic exchange.

And she met his gaze squarely in a contest of wills, and he was the one who looked away first.

The woman who'd met his gaze was a stranger.

Jack still didn't know what had gotten into Carter. Admittedly, she'd been acting odd those last couple of days. They'd only just returned to active duty after his return from Edora - between her exhaustion from working herself to the bone on the particle accelerator and his own re-acclimatisation to Earth, SG-1 had been put on downtime.

Jack had spent most of it by himself, interspersed with visits from Teal'c. At least Teal'c was still the same. Something had gotten into Carter and Daniel, and Jack didn't have the slightest idea what it was.

Later, as he sat down in Daniel's office, where Daniel was talking about Carter's resignation again, Jack realised he still didn't know what he'd done to get on Daniel's bad side. Not that it really mattered anymore. Whatever had been bugging Daniel had been pushed aside in favour of trying to work out why Carter had done what she'd done.

"Someone's got to go talk to her," Daniel was saying, and Jack finally tuned in. "Something's got to be wrong. Sam just doesn't do that kind of thing! You heard what she was saying during the briefing...that's not Sam..."

"Dr. Fraiser was unable to find anything physiologically wrong with Major Carter."

"Then, I don't know, maybe we should be looking at other things? It's not necessarily physical or hormonal...it might be emotional or stress-related..." Jack caught the quick flicker of the eyes that Daniel sent his way and frowned a little.

"Stress-related?" He let the emotional one slide for the moment.

"She worked very hard to get you back."

That particle accelerator of hers. He guessed she'd worked pretty hard on it. There were vague rumours of Major Carter's dedication to 'the Edora project' around the base, although the people in question always shut up when they saw Jack.

"What, you think the stress of the job cracked her?"

"Stranger things have happened, Jack." Daniel's voice held a note that indicated that Jack should find this significant. Exactly what Jack was supposed to find significant, he had no idea.

Jack put his head in his hands and scrubbed his fingers through his hair. "Look, Daniel, even if there was a reason for her behaviour - and I imagine it would be a pretty damn strong one - we couldn't get her back on SG-1. She's no longer Air Force, they'd never take her back..."

"Not even as a civilian?"

"Unlikely," Jack said. He didn't explain the convoluted reasons upon reasons for Carter's resignation - the fact that they'd probably never take her back under any circumstances since she'd 'proven' herself unworthy as an officer of the Air Force.

The ironic thing was that there were times when Jack had wondered if the technology thieves who'd been using the second Stargate didn't have the idea after all. Take what you needed as you needed it. Obviously not from people like the Madronans, but from people who had it...

Then, after thinking these thoughts, sanity would reassert itself. The only people worth stealing the tech from were those you'd rather were on your side, anyway. You really didn't want them mad at you. And if they weren't willing to give you the stuff, then the next best thing was to make friends with them and have them there to keep the bad guys away when you couldn't keep them out yourself.

Jack hoped that Carter's actions had just been a lapse in judgement - a very fatal one as far as her career was concerned, but it was better than thinking that he'd missed something. The dereliction of his duty in keeping an eye on the state of mind of his people stung as much as the betrayal of the values he'd thought were second-nature to both him and her.

It was easier thinking that than thinking she'd changed so much without Jack noticing it.

Not that Jack had been around to notice lately.

"Don't you want her back on the team, Jack?"

"Don't be stupid, Daniel - of course I want Carter back on the team! But it's not going to happen - not after what she did, certainly not after her resignation! At the most, they'd let her back in here as a contractor - maybe. If we were in dire circumstances - and they'd have to be really dire! But that's not usually the way things work on Air Force projects!"

"Well, I think you should go and talk to her, anyway."

That was an unexpected surprise. "Me?"

"You're the leader of this team," Daniel said.

He didn't want to go. Jack O'Neill didn't do 'talking' well. But Daniel had a point. He was the leader of SG-1 and Carter was a member of SG-1. Had been a member of SG-1. And something had happened to her while she was technically under his command and he'd never twigged. That it had gone so far was partly his responsibility, and he owed her the gesture.

Didn't mean he had to like it.

"You're closer to her."

"If you don't want to go, then just say so, Jack." Blue eyes glared at him. "Just don't make excuses."

"That wasn't an excuse!" Jack snapped back. So maybe Daniel talking to him again wasn't such a good thing after all. Distance definitely made the heart grow fonder as far as Daniel was concerned. "I'll go."

"Good." Daniel turned back to whatever it was he'd been translating before the issue of Carter's retirement came up. "And don't sound so cheerful about it."

Jack grimaced and went back to the personnel profiles.

Come back from Edora. No probs. He hadn't done a thing to help it, really.

Re-acclimatise to Earth. Easy. The three months of Edora were fading into his memory already.

Get used to sleeping alone again. Okay, not quite so easy. He'd forgotten how nice it was to wake up to someone else in the bed. But he couldn't have stayed on Edora and Laira would never have fit into his life on Earth. The situation was no more right for them than it was for him and Sara after Charlie died.

Go back on missions. More difficult. While he'd never liked the idea of grubbing around in the dirt, he had to admit that farming was peaceful. Uneventful. Certainly, nowhere near as stressful as the fighting he'd done all his life. Or as tiring as being diplomatic with hard-headed alien races.

Deal with the crisis kindled by the actions of a junior officer who had no previous record of any such behaviour, but certainly enough reason in the last few years to lose it in such a spectacular manner. Difficult. Coming hard on the heels of his return and dealing with everything he'd thought he'd lost and everything that had happened in his absence, it had spun him out, confused him. It still did.

Get Carter to talk about whatever had prompted the temporary insanity that had caused her actions on Tollana?

Damn well impossible.

----

By the end of the third day, Sam was getting antsy.

She'd cleaned the house from top to bottom, done the grocery shopping, written emails to all the friends she occasionally kept in touch with, manicured her nails, read through the graduate papers of the physics department at the Academy, and was reduced to reading the ordinary, everyday news.

None of it was good.

And it wasn't made any better by the apprehension Sam was feeling over this whole thing.

She wasn't quite sure what she was waiting to happen. Hammond hadn't been able to tell her anything, mostly because he didn't know anything.

They were expecting someone to contact her in the coming few days. They didn't know who, and they didn't know how. It was a leap of faith over a chasm in the dark. Once the solid ground was gone from beneath her feet, she'd have to wing it.

Once again, Sam wished that someone else had been chosen to carry out this mission. She'd never done undercover before and she had no idea if she was doing it right. If there was a right way to go about it at all.

She clicked through the TV channels finding nothing to her tastes, so she turned the TV off.

Then she glanced over at the chess game still in progress on the coffee table before the TV. She and Daniel had been in the middle of a 'best of five' the night before they left to go to Edora. All Daniel's attempts to lure her back to the game had been futile in the three months since, and the game stood, untouched and unwon, in a perpetual state of battle that might never conclude.

Sometimes she wondered if that was the way of their fight against the Goa'uld. Never-ending, never concluding. Old hopes dying under the crush of their duty and new hopes never being given birth as the war, like a monster, swallowed everything in their lives.

Miserable thoughts, Sam. She glanced out the back door at her garden. Maybe she should go outside and start fixing up the garden? It would give her hands something to do anyway, even if her mind wandered and wondered.

The knock at the door startled her and she turned to regard it with someone approaching a sense of dread. This was probably it. No going back from here.

You can't go back now. You have nowhere and no one to go back to, she thought grimly.

But when she pulled the door open, her guest was Colonel O'Neill.

She had a moment of absolute panic as a barrage of thoughts slipped in and out of her mind in mere seconds.

What's he doing here? I'm no longer his concern. Unless he's been sent to contact me... But...the Colonel? Of all the possible people she had envisioned as part of this setup, he had not been one of them.

"Carter."

"Sir."

He grimaced. "Lose the 'sir'. I'm not your commanding officer anymore." There was a definite gruff component to his voice and Sam suddenly had a slightly nasty sick feeling in her stomach.

Under different circumstances, she might have been very glad of those words. At least she wouldn't have to deny that the respect and affection she felt for him was, in Janet's euphemistic phrasing, 'a problem'. Maybe there would even have been possibilities opening up for them...

Bitter memory provided the clarity she needed as she remembered the frozen humiliation of him walking away from her - to the arms of another woman. Never mind that he didn't have the faintest idea about her own personal revelations while he was on Edora, it had still been a slap in the face.

And now, with so much riding on her ability to keep him and her other old team-mates away, Sam would have to issue the slap in his face that drove him away.

She shrugged, leaning against the doorframe. "Old habits. Sir." She gently emphasised the title and watched him grimace.

"May I come in?"

No.

"Sure. Not for too long, though. I've got things to do." Brisk and brusque. That's the way to do it, Sam.

He followed her down the hallway. "Keeping yourself busy, then?"

"Yeah. Puttering around the house. Makes a nice change from saving the world."

He paused at the entrance to the main living area, glancing around it in swift reconnaissance. "So have you decided where you're going to work now?"

Sam shrugged. "I haven't started looking yet. Enjoying the downtime." She didn't offer him refreshments of any kind since she didn't want him to stay. And if he started questioning her too intently, she wasn't sure how well she'd hold out. Hammond had warned her about being under scrutiny - especially after her ties with the SGC were broken. They'd want to make sure that her disgrace was for real.

Her house was probably bugged and she'd really had to fight the temptation to see if she could find them. That would give her away.

"I never figured you as the type to relax, Carter." He interrupted her thoughts, seeing that she wasn't about to make the small talk.

"It gets easier as you get used to it. You should know that from Edora."

"There wasn't a lot of relaxing on Edora." He sounded short now. That's right, get him on the back foot. Behave in a manner he wouldn't expect from 'Major Sam Carter', and confuse him enough so he doesn't ask questions until it's too late. "Mostly we were working to try to get the harvest set up so we didn't starve through the winter."

"Ah." His identification with the Edoran remnant was interesting. Sam filed that note away for later use.

He glanced up at her noise of doubtful understanding. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"From the look of things when we broke through to the surface, the harvest wasn't the only thing you seemed to be setting up."

The dark eyes narrowed a little as he stared at her. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Her voice was cool and slightly malicious as she said, "Only that it didn't take you very long to 'get comfortable' on Edora."

"That happened later."

"I'm sure." There was a certain enjoyment to be taken in being 'the bitch'. Sam always had a lot to say - she just didn't always say it. Military training had taught her that much, at least; given her a measure of self-control and a feeling for when to say something and when to rein it in.

Ostensibly, she wasn't in the military anymore. And while she didn't want to burn all her bridges, it was necessary that she at least singe some to the point where people would think twice about crossing them.

"Exactly what are you implying, Carter?"

It was a perfect opening.

She met his gaze, full force. "For a man who holds the view that nobody should get left behind, you didn't seem to have a lot of faith in the people you lead. For someone who knows that the Asgard and the Tollan and the Tok'ra can traverse galaxies in a matter of minutes, you seemed remarkably sure that you were going to be staying there permanently. And for someone for whom parenthood is considered such a sacred duty, you jumped into the sack with the Edoran fast enough." The information about the Edoran woman's desire for a child had come from a number of sources: base gossip, the Edoran refugees' gossip, and an overheard conversation between the Colonel and Teal'c. "Unless, of course, the local woman was just a passing fancy? A brief roll in the hay?"

His mouth tightened at the cavalier manner of her dismissal. But he still held onto his temper by the thinnest of threads as he gritted out, "Since when have I engaged in casual liaisons, Carter?"

Sam callously snapped the thread. "Both Daniel and Teal'c have indicated the occasional 'bar-cruise pick-up' on your part." Never mind that such 'encounters' were several years old. She watched him flush and took a small satisfaction in it. "And even while on duty, there was always the aging incident with the Argosians."

Irrationally, the memories ached a little. It was long after the fact, long before she'd particularly cared about him - although the incident with the Argosians was annoying for the ease with which he'd jumped into bed with the woman, drugged or not. Off-duty, his sex life was not her business. On-duty, what was she supposed to do with a commanding officer who had no compunction about taking up the first invitation to 'get it on'?

"That," he bit out, "was under an entirely different set of circumstances!"

"Ah, so we make exceptions if the lady is good at flirting in the darkness?" There was a certain satisfaction in being able to say all this. Under his command she was constrained from speaking her true mind. Out from under his command there were no holds barred.

And while a part of her felt sorry for him since he'd obviously come here to check how she was doing, another part was taking a fairly ruthless satisfaction in watching him back away. Whatever he'd been expecting from her, this barrage of accusation was not part of it.

"Laira was one of the few things that kept me going while I was stuck on Edora," he said in a low, dangerous voice. "She took me in when most of her people didn't care whether I lived or died. I was...grateful."

She looked him up and down in a manner that was no less insulting for that it was appreciative, "So I saw."

He bristled, his pride stung. "Carter, I thought I was stuck there on Edora!"

"You thought wrong, sir."

"I know that now."

"You should have known it then."

From the expression on his face - like he'd swallowed something unpleasant - her tactics were working. His features closed up and he stuck his hands in his pockets. "Maybe I should have." The bitter finality in his voice elicited a desire to tell him the whole plan - to blurt out the reasons for her peculiar behaviour, but she thought of the bugs in her house and kept silent. "I..." he looked like he was about to say something - something big and irrevocable.

Sam couldn't afford that. "Colonel," she said in her coolest voice, matching her expression to the tone and aching inside as she did so. "If you came to say sorry about not being more grateful about the rescue, then that's fine. I didn't do it solely for you, and the Edoran refugees were glad to be returned to their home, even if you weren't." Crisp words, sharp edges, cutting tones. A harsh sentence. "I'm sorry I interrupted your romantic idyll on the planet, but I'm sure she won't mind a visit from time to time." She made it sound as sordid as she could manage.

"That will be enough, Carter."

"You forget, Colonel. You don't command me anymore." And after all this, he probably wouldn't want to command her if she ever came back, either.

"Yeah," he said, the words clipped. "I forgot. I just thought that maybe a couple of years of working together counted for something and came to see how you were doing." And there was something terrible in his voice and his expression as he indicated the door. "But since you're doing fine, I guess I'll leave."

The haste with which he made for the door would have been amusing if it wasn't quite so nightmarish. Sam followed him out and was about to shut the door on him when he paused at the edge of the veranda and turned back. She couldn't read the expression on his face, but he was tense as a strung wire. "I never said this, Carter, but...I did want to come back. I just didn't expect to ever get back." He gave a little shrug that had some indefinable element to it that Sam couldn't quite pinpoint. "Thank you for getting me back."

"You're welcome." Her voice was a marvel of quiet unconcern. "Thanks for coming around."

He nodded once then turned away and walked down the steps.

Sam closed the door before he'd reached the path, then laid her head against the door and screwed her eyes tightly shut. All in all, that had probably been the worst fifteen minutes of her life.

She respected the Colonel. Respected and admired him - both as a fellow officer and as a man. The last couple of months had been hard. The last week had been harder.

And maybe it was just her imagination, but it seemed like he'd been so close to saying...to saying...

So close to saying what? She demanded of herself, irritably. To making a passionate declaration of undying love? Get a grip on yourself, Sam! The man's a professional - and so are you!

This whole undercover thing was getting to her, the near-constant tension draining her like a flashlight left on too long. The situation just added the stress of getting the Colonel back from Edora, her own...affection...for the man and the discovery of his relationship with the Edoran woman

Sam wasn't sure she could cope with it all.

And if she didn't work out how to cope in the next couple of days then she could kiss this mission, her life, and the Earth good-bye as the Protected Planets Treaty went down the drain and the Tollan revoked their alliance with Earth.

Levering herself off the door she headed out to the back of the house, seeking something to do with her hands. She'd noticed the gladioli were getting rather crowded in their corner of the backyard. She'd do some gardening to take her mind off what she'd just said.

And how badly the Colonel was going to take it.

----

O'Neill refused to talk about the discussion between him and Major Carter. Daniel Jackson was afire with curiosity, but O'Neill was silent on the details, saying only that their team-mate had told him his concern was appreciated but unnecessary.

Teal'c sat in his room, just emerged from kel no reem. His body felt rested and renewed, but his mind was still troubled. Primarily by Major Carter's behaviour, but also by the events which had transpired from that. The sundering of SG-1 was unwelcome and unpleasant; their team-mate's complete rejection of them no less disturbing than her fall from grace.

He was not sure what would have caused Major Carter to behave in the manner in which she had, but her refusal to talk about it - and O'Neill's refusal to talk about his discussion with her - boded badly for her state of mind at this time.

In the meantime, General Hammond had presented O'Neill with a list of officers from which O'Neill was to choose a replacement for Major Carter. Teal'c had seen O'Neill push the list aside, unwilling to contemplate anyone in Major Carter's role on the team.

Indeed, Teal'c could not imagine going through the gate without their missing team-mate present among them.

The recollection of that first day still clung to his memory. He had stepped through the wormhole to Earth, an unknown to these people, uncertain of whether death or imprisonment awaited him.

He had trusted O'Neill's word, knowing little else that was true in this new environment. He had seen the distrust in the eyes of the man he would come to know as General Hammond, and the wariness in the eyes of the people who had languished in Apophis' prison.

And he had seen the trust in the eyes of the woman who stood on the ramp, with the beauty of a rare and treasured wife, and the mien of a warrior. She did not understand him, but she followed the lead of the man who commanded her, and maybe her own instincts, too. She'd held out her hands to take his weapon - a gesture of trust between warriors - and, recognising a true and kindred spirit in her, Teal'c relinquished it to her hands.

But that had been long ago. Many changes had happened in that time, some of them immediately noticeable, others only gradually so. And somehow, the change in Major Carter had happened while nobody was looking.

It troubled him.

A knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. "Teal'c?"

"Daniel Jackson?"

The door opened, "Jack said to head up to the briefing room. We're getting our new team member. Apparently."

Teal'c rose from his seated position on the floor. "O'Neill has chosen?"

"I guess so." Daniel Jackson sounded less than pleased as he made that pronouncement. He exhaled with a huffing sigh. "Teal'c...did you notice anything about Sam while Jack was away?"

"I did not." Teal'c made the admission with regret. With little knowledge that could assist Major Carter in her endeavour to complete the particle accelerator, Teal'c had settled for keeping a watch on her as much as he could. He offered his services to General Hammond on other teams and training soldiers in use of the weapons of the Goa'uld during O'Neill's absence.

Another sigh. "Me, neither." Daniel Jackson had worked with many of the Edoran refugees, trying to reassure them that they would get home again, finding them somewhere they could stay while they were in the care of the SGC. He, also, had kept an eye on Major Carter, along with Dr. Fraiser. "You don't have any idea of what Sam could have said to clam Jack up like that?"

"I do not, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c felt no guilt at lying to his friend. He had perhaps a small idea, but he was fairly certain that O'Neill would not divulge such a thing, either to Daniel Jackson or himself. And Major Carter certainly would not. "Where is the meeting with O'Neill?"

"Briefing room." Daniel led the way.

Teal'c appreciated his team-mate's thoughtfulness in coming down to inform him of the news. While there was a phone in Teal'c's quarters, he preferred not to be called on it since it interrupted his kel no reem in a very abrupt manner.

"Did Jack say anything to you about who he chose as the new team member?"

"He did not. However, I believe he was inclined towards one of the younger officers with a scientific background."

"He was? I'm surprised. I'd have thought he'd had enough of 'geeks' in me and Sam to last him a lifetime." There was a mild bitterness in Daniel Jackson's voice. Relations between O'Neill and Daniel Jackson had been strained since O'Neill's return from Edora - mainly regarding O'Neill's reluctance to believe that his team would have come after him at any cost.

The question of self-worth and value was moot to Daniel Jackson's mind. His self-esteem was quite intact and he had no problem with the idea that his knowledge and expertise was valuable. However, Teal'c could see how O'Neill's experiences had inclined him to disbelief of his personal worth. In the end, the warriors that made up an army were expendable to those who commanded them - and the warriors learned that at painful cost to themselves.

Teal'c understood that as Daniel Jackson did not.

He had been disconcerted that O'Neill had given up hope, but he did not question O'Neill's desire to regain those things which had been lost to him years ago: the love of a woman and the joy of children. Every warrior understood the deep and abiding desire of his fellow warrior to return to someone at the end of each fight and to have little ones run to him for care.

O'Neill had once possessed both, but had since lost both.

So Teal'c could understand his friend's 'betrayal of faith', even as Daniel Jackson could not.

"I'm almost of a mind to go see Sam myself," his companion remarked. "Someone's got to go and make her see sense."

Perhaps someone did have to 'make Major Carter see sense', however Teal'c doubted there was either a man or Jaffa up to the task at this point in time - or possibly at any point in time. The only person who would be making Major Carter see sense would be herself. Whatever had come upon her, it was powerful enough to throw her from her customary behaviour into the irregular conduct she had displayed in the last week.

Teal'c said nothing, giving neither approval nor disapproval to Daniel Jackson's plans. However, he hoped that his friend would not attempt to speak with Major Carter at this time. O'Neill had been ripe for whatever she had said to him, and Daniel Jackson would be no less vulnerable in such a situation.

In the briefing room, O'Neill, Hammond, and a young woman were waiting for them.

"You've been called here to meet your new team member. This is Lieutenant Claire Tobias, Colonel O'Neill picked her to join SG-1."

"It'll be a pleasure to work with you all," the Lieutenant said. She seemed unusually self-possessed regarding her elevation in status. There had been a significant amount of interest in who would be chosen to succeed Major Carter on SG-1 among the junior officers, and Teal'c understood that someone had been running a betting pool on how long it would take O'Neill to choose a new officer, and who it would be.

Teal'c inclined his head to Lieutenant Tobias in polite greeting as Daniel Jackson asked, "Lieutenant. What's your background?"

"Engineering, Dr. Jackson. Mostly mechanical, although I have a little knowledge of computer and electrical engineering also."

"Lieutenant Tobias has significant expertise with alien technology," General Hammond informed them. "She's been out on assignment with several SG-teams, but this is her first permanent assignment to an SG-team."

Teal'c felt surprise that O'Neill had not chosen someone of greater Stargating experience than the Lieutenant, but he remained silent. Daniel Jackson did not.

"Well, no offence to Lieutenant Tobias, but...I was expecting someone with a little more experience in going through the gate."

The Lieutenant did not seem overly surprised by the objection to her presence on the team. Her answer was cool and collected, "Dr. Jackson, I assure you that I am fully conversant with the tactics of both Goa'uld and Jaffa, and have seen my share of action in my time on and off the various SG-teams. Neither my commanders nor the teams I've worked with have complained of my performance. Nor will SG-1."

"I'm sure you'll make Lieutenant Tobias' transition to the team as smooth as possible, SG-1." General Hammond looked around at them all, "Dismissed."

They milled around for a moment, O'Neill, Daniel Jackson and Teal'c facing off against the wiry young blonde. She regarded them with unusual self-possession in a human her age.

It was O'Neill who finally broke the silence. "Hammond says we'll be heading out on a run tomorrow. Nothing big, just a planetary survey. Done much geology, Tobias?"

"No, sir."

"Well, it's always good to learn new things. You should get quite a bit of a chance on SG-1." It sounded like O'Neill didn't quite know what to do with the Lieutenant.

"Yes, sir."

Once again, silence. "Anyway, I'm off to get some paperwork done before we have to go out tomorrow," O'Neill said. "I'll catch you guys in the commissary later. 'K?" And off he walked.

There was an uncomfortably silent moment of standoffishness before the Lieutenant evidently decided to bite the bullet.

"You don't have anything to say, Dr. Jackson? Nothing about how big the shoes are that I have to fill in Major Carter's absence?"

For once, Daniel Jackson chose to use the short answer instead of the long. "No," he said calmly. "We'll see how you do on the mission tomorrow." And with that he stomped off, clattering down the stairs.

Teal'c was left to regard the newest member of SG-1.

The polite expression dropped a little revealing a slight edge of desperation. "Is it going to be this hard all the way?"